For the past month and a half, I have been on this conveyor belt of yuckiness. It’s the holidays, so the stress level is insane, which makes the fibro flares inevitable and disgusting. On top of it, I spent a considerable amount of time away from home due to a family issue, and I feel like I am continually tripping over things I need to get done while I am running to keep up with the things I need to do every day.
I would ask for help, but that just isn’t in the cards.
I feel like the 16 year old me who was trying to pass the lifeguard test, but struggled with the minute treading water with a brick over my head. I am treading water, but barely keeping my nose above the water, not to mention the rest of my head.
My house is in constant shambles, my finances are even worse. My laundry room is overflowing and the kids are looking for clothes that are buried. I just feel like a slowly sinking ship.
I try really hard to keep up, but it seems like as soon as I catch up in one area and start a new one, I am stumbling around the mess just created. I can’t sleep. I am not eating right. I am just one giant messy tornado that is out of control. I told my therapist the other day that I feel like a giant mess. But maybe it is just me in my head. I have always felt like the world is twisting and spinning around me and my eyes can’t focus in order to find a place to jump in.
It is all quicksand, slowly sucking me in further into the suckiness.
I can’t concentrate. I can’t focus. I am so tired, words don’t come to me. It’s as if the words get stuck and I am at road block. I hate it. I hate right now. I hate that I feel like I am sinking. I hate that I feel like this. I hate that the way I feel effects those around me. I wish I had just a little bit more in the tank. I wish I wasn’t trying to beg to use up all of my reserves.
A Journey of Acceptance With A Chronic Disease 