I’m Not Sure What To Do

So, I went through all of this therapy, group therapy, going into the mental hospital.  All of it to see if I could help myself, help me become a better person.  I learned so many new skills throughout this short journey, but it is pretty hard to feel accomplished when your partner is nothing but negative and makes sure to point out every single negative and bad thing I do.

I haven’t cried for about a month and a half, mostly because I haven’t had anything to cry about.  I have tried to brush off everything he says.  I try to let it go, but it’s not working.

I mean, the most difficult thing I struggle with is the anxiety and sometimes dread when he comes home from work.  I am so afraid of being belittled, of being put down, of feeling ashamed.

I love my kids.  I love them to the bottom of the ocean, depths that every mother knows.  I love them that it aches at times.

I have shared how I have had to quit working because there are so many things that hinder my ability that I sometimes feel more like a hindrance then a employee.  I am constantly reminded how worthless I am, that I don’t work and that we are struggling.  Struggling financially in ways that we shouldn’t be.  My husband has a good job.  He works hard.  I don’t take him for granted.  I tell him how much I appreciate him all the time.

Yet, here I sit on the verge of tears wanting to run.  I want to drive and just keep on driving.

Maybe I am being selfish.  Maybe I am over thinking things too much.  But I feel beat up.  I feel like I stretch myself beyond what my limits should be.  I stretch myself to a point where I spend days in pain.

I am beginning to wonder if it is all worth it.  This relationship I mean.  I just don’t know if I can ever find myself, find happiness when I am around someone who is constantly reminding me of my failures.  I don’t know if I be around someone who makes me so anxious I just want to curl up and hide.

I don’t know if I can do it.  My visit to the hospital-he saw this as me attacking his career.  This whole journey has been nothing but holding him back.

I get that change is hard.  I get that it is hard to change, especially when it isn’t your choice.

I just don’t know how much more trying I can do.